Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
