Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
