I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
