I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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