K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
