I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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