my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
