I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
He felt like a one man threesome
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
