So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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