i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
