I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just pynch a tree in the face
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
