Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
