bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
