ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
