Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
