in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
i've created a new STD.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
