the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
