I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I supernannyed him into submission
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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