i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
