God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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