I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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