i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
