Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
