the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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