he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
