I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I think your dad took our porno
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
