I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
