What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
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