I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm like, not good at living.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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