Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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