My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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