I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
