I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
