Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
