Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
