I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
