I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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