you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
