well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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