I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
