mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
