Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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