so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Randomize
