May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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