The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
