i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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