Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Quick, to the slutcave!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Found the puke drawer
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
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