shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
