I'm gonna have a badass scar
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
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