Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
