we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
