The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
