My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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