The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
