Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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