This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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