I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
