she takes plan B like it's going out of style
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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