I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
