you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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